Imagine

 I’ll never tell anyone that I suffer with depression & anxiety….

I’ll never tell anyone that I’m autistic….

Those are the thoughts that run through my head when in a new environment. 

Tryna safeguard my emotions for the sake of the perception of a neurological life. Because this black man isn’t allowed to get depressed, isn’t allowed to get anxious and isn’t allowed to feel suicidal. 

When this man tries to get help, there’s of course a two year waiting gap to get FUCKING DIAGNOSED.

I’ve been tired for too long. Would love to have an advocate. Would love to be able to afford treatment, 

But all of that cost money I’ll probably never have.

Evidently so; I can be in a situation where my dog is dying in front of my eyes, and I’m doing everything to try and save him, but a symptom of that is I get depressed and need time work… not even just work, I need time off life in general… but if I take that time, people struggle to empathise towards why I’d need it. That and i lack the motivation to even show up which has always been the case, but i really tried to be transparent, maybe it’s just not a good enough excuse. Maybe I should’ve just went anyway, but my body will then refuse to listen to me, I’d get ill & I know Ive no reason to be ill but it’s like my body reflects what I’m ACTUALLY feeling regardless of how much I’d like to mask it. my dog then dies, I need to disappear, I express that, I get permission. I come back and I get fired… not for misconduct, but for lack of consistency due to me not being well enough to show up in the last few months. 

Now faced with the possible threat of losing my home… the one place I really felt a great sense of accomplishment.

My biggest source of pride something I did for myself, and I fucked it by trusting someone.

HOW TF DO I TRUST NOW?

I can’t even trust myself with attempting to search for a job.

I wish I didn’t have to do any of this

My whole life feels like I’m just surviving with small glimpses of fun and a good future to tease me into ‘trusting the process’ and then I do and I get FUCKED all over again.

I’m tired and I want to jump. I feel like no one really truly cares about me in the way that I need. 

What do I need, you ask..

lol good question, I don’t fucking know myself.

People offer me their love, do they even know how much I hate myself?

And then I’ll take the opportunity to love someone else thinking maybe it’ll take my brain away from the sustain I have for myself for having to deal with this type of depression for so fucking long… only to end up hurting said person because I struggle to give to myself what I ask of them… that or I get ridiculously embarrassed intentionally or not; by the person giving me love, because I can’t regulate my own jealousy or sadness…

Now I’m just at the ‘what the fuck do I do now?’ Stage of my life.

Why do I even need to be here?

If I’m such a bother to everyone any myself, what the actual fuck am I doing alive? 

How the fuck do I look for joy when the last time I feel TRULY safe was in my adolescence (pre 8yrs)

And even that’s fucked up because I can remember being only 5/6 years old and being terrified of being beaten/punished for something stupid that kids would normally do, like repeating a swear on tv, or loosing my school shoes.

My whole life feels like a burden.

I’d love to blame Covid, because for a while before that, I felt like I was at least growing, even though I was still depressed, I knew what I wanted… trouble is, I had no proper guidance, no one to tell me how to set up a UTR number, no one to tell me how to do my taxes. Just trying to make things work with the 3-400 I’d make playing keys in church on Sundays. But even then I’ve had to compromise my character to do it.

But no, it runs deeper than the global isolation. I’ve built habits that tear me down, mentally and financially. And though people say, as an adult you’re responsible for yourself, and I agree with that sentiment in part, I felt like I didn’t get the opportunity to grow, I didn’t get the opportunity to REALLY enjoy what I love(music, performing). I’ve changed my passion, I feel like I teach because If I can’t live the dream i dreamt, that let me at least lay a brick down on the road for my students dreams.

I don’t know.

I’m tired.

Was going to type, I should write more, but stopped myself knowing the only thing I should do rn is check on these lumps that have decided to turn up in my body.

I’m fucking scared, it’s been here for close to 6months and now I’ve found a new one in a completely different place. 

I’m scared, i’m tired, I feel so embarrassed, and honestly my life feels like a waste. 

I just want to be happy.

 I'm so fucking tired of feeling like this. 

I don’t want to live anymore.

 I don’t want to live anymore, but I’m afraid of the pain that will happen just before committing to the act. Stops me every time.

I’ve literally lost hope.

And I don’t give a fuck.

If a bus hits me, you’ll probably see a smile on my face.

I just want this weight on my shoulders lifted.

I don’t want to feel shame & embarrassment. 

I’m tired of always having success at the top of my fingers then watching it get more further away.

I’m tired of the heart palpitations.

Random panic attacks & not a single person will be able to tell, because I’m used to it.

I can’t fucking handle this life.

I can’t handle the constant pressure. 

I’m tired of being a burden.

I’m tired of being a failure.

I’m tired of being broke.

I’m tired of trusting people only for them to leave, chat shit about me, laugh at me, point fingers behind my back.

I’m tired of getting my heart broken

I’m tired of being responsible for other people’s hearts.

I’m tired of music. It’s not even fucking fun anymore.

I'm tired of this always tryna look happy face ass fucking lifestyle that everybody seems to want a live. Perceived happiness all the fucking time

I’m tired of being sad. I’m finished, I’m finished I’m fucking finished.

I don’t want to be a victim anymore, but I see no immediate peace, & I feel like I’ve been struggling my whole life.

I can’t go into the past and change anything. I hate myself, i’ve spent too much time trying to changed that for fucking years & now I’m done.

I’m so done.

I can’t even share my stresses for myself because people think I’m being selfish. 

Maybe I am selfish, maybe feeling this way is me just being selfish, but when I’m selfless I get taken advantage of, it’s a fucking crazy cycle that I’m done with.

I’m tired of life and I want it to FUCKING END.

If I die and you see this, release all my content please, thanks. 

Just words

 I haven’t written in too long. Sometimes I feel emotions that I struggle to make sense out of, so I write. 👇🏿

F*ck waiting, f*ck wanting

I just want to get it now

To be determined is a different vibe

A different flex

Humble when right

Owning it when I’m vex

I can be insulted

And it won’t bother me

My thoughts can’t be hauled with words aimed at me menacingly 

I don’t want to be in love

If it means I can’t love myself

Self sabotage can’t become common

When my feelings damage my health

Love ain’t an object if I’m not at the centre

Sounds selfish I know

…better that than to live anxiously hoping you’re choices for you don’t affect someone else’s choices for themselves.

When every action feels phoney 

The approach changes from too fast to fucking slowly

My intuition telling me to run

Refusal to listen brings on consequences that are now all too common

I’ve realise now that I know what I want…

I want me 

So bad 

peices.

I stuck to my guns for the first time

It's Ironic that the bullets that I used were not mine

Rather; it came from the victims mouth.

I wish it was normal for me to fight

Then maybe I'd be able to manoeuvre this battle of sound

Who's got the last word

Who's not listening 

What did you last learn

When is this finishing

My mind isn't built to constantly 

Burn in this Rotisserie 

Maybe I'm thinking lucid

Maybe it's been approached viciously 

Whatever it is,

I've reached my limit.

Whatever it is

I think it's finished

Whatever is is

I don't want it

I wanna be calm,

I wanna be high

I wanna be fine

But somehow, I'm always this,

I'm always that

I gotta do this

I gotta do that,

FUCK THAT

I am who I am for a reason

And that reason cannot

 WILL NOT

Be Changed.

Who I wanna be

And who you want are two different people

If you want a different person

Then why fight for something else?

I wish for peace

I won't back down this time, I need peace of my own mind

I need to be in a new space

Because this one, is a painful one

I don't want to deal with rejection every time there's a misunderstanding 

I prefer to only deal with rejection once,

I want peace of mind

I want peace of mind 

I want peace of mind

I want peace of mind, 

I just for once want to do something that isn't wrong

I'm tired of being people's punching bag

I want peace of mind

I'm so tired of fighting people,

You don't understand

I'm so tired,

I feel like my head is going to explode.

I just ask why?

I wish I knew why 

Am I just a magnet for this shit?

I want to cry but I can't right now

I'm angry I keep shedding tears for the same fucking situations

I just want for there to be peace

In me

Even if the whole world wants to step on my toes in unison

I wish for a straight face, 

I wish I didn't have to fight so hard

Not even to be understood, but simply to find peace

I wish peace was like fast food

"Boss.... BOSS how much for 3 peice tranquillity And a side of silence?"

Starving physically

Climbing out of this monetary hole

And being shamed back in

Maybe I did flop

Maybe I didn't give enough

Maybe I'm just lost

Maybe I can't do this,

All I know is

Each time,

Each time we go through this, 

My mind doesn't want to

Almost feels like my head has been overloaded with unwanted fluid

I don't know what to do

I want love, but I want me more.

I want peace of mind

Tolerance - (freewrite)

Too many excuses for love
No one listening to sides
We're both envisioning 
Buried in emotions
You sigh, when I say I'm listening 
I don't want you to let go
But still you're finishing the story
Before we even begin
And I'm just stuck with my pen
The way it's always began

Who'd ever thought that
Wanting to be all alone was such a scary thing 
Wanting to be with you was a motive I did not prepare

Willing to give everything so quickly 
But run empty, when the universe is taking it back 
Like what the fuck
I want my life back

I want the times I gave up loving for my life back
Coz clearly minds are shuffling 
And it's everyday I'm out here hustling 
to make this dream reality 
That makes my insecurities look like vanity personified 

I grew tired of the term insanity 
As if my identity was made whole when 
I thought you came to take hold
Of my wholeness 
I now only perceived half

Is that all I'm worth
Is that all I am

Make me question all the reasons for me even wanting 
Make me wonder why you're here in the first place
If my fear is your doubt
Then what are we doing ¿

If my words are your targets 
Then aim for my mouth 
Aim for me
Seems as though I'm only worth something to you when there's only joy

Seems as though my heart means nothing to you so long as your heart is content

Does that mean I'm not the selfish one?

What does that mean

You do everything you don't want me to do,

& I'm kinda tired

I'm just try a figure me out
Tell me how I do that if all I get is your fears
Tell me how if all I'm getting is assumptions 

I just want to get out of this space you're calling bottom 
I just wanna be out of the way 
So you can hold on

...to yourself

Coz clearly
Individuality is over promising
When everything you want 
Is beyond expectation

My heart is numb
And you want me to fix yours
That's impossible 
My mind wonders to 
But if I can't share my feelings 
Then it's just never enough 
And that simply not enough for me

That's just simply not enough for me

I want more than a hand to hold
I want more that you're hand outs
I want more than your fighting tone
I want more than your empty threats 

I want my own
I want me more than anything 
And if that makes me selfish in your eyes then fuck you
If that makes me empty , then I don't mind, fuck you.

I will never give my soul
To the devil 
If he knew my insides better than me
And if he wanted a better insight into me
I'd say focus on the b side of all of this shit.

I'm tired of the hurting

I'm tired of the empty threats

You say you'd never hurt me
But never say never
You can't even look me in the eye
But I guess that's whatever 

I'm just tired of trying and trying 
But shit never getting any better
You won't ever get my tears
But you gather they go unheard 
Like I'm running from my issues
Even though we both know why that do

You just don't want me to move on
Or you're too hurt to move on
Either way

I'm too tired of the pain to let me
Choose wrong

I'm just tryna make a gain
But they won't do wrong
I'm to tired of the pain
I'm too tired of the pain
I'm just fed up with the pain
But somehow 
I'm the same as everything you've ever had before, 
I'm fucking tired
Of the same shit
Every time 

Why you always pick the same shit every time 
I just wanna see some changes every now and then
I just wanna see the phases change the tide
I just wanna hear some praises going high
Up, like we don't know what we're doing

Yet I'm blamed for what you're doing
Even though you take a piece of me 
And show me how you use it

It still catches me
Out of my comfort zone
I'm just tolerating 

I just want to be the ride that's in front of me
I just want to feel alive
Like we wanna be
I just rather you be mad
Then you take from me

Coz why am I giving if you're love is on loan
Why am I living if you're tolerance is on hold
Why do I try
If my effort isn't good enough 

Fuck, 

Do I even want this anymore

I just keep questioning 

The more doubt seed planted in my head
The more I see that you're in my head
Coz I can't take this red
Emotion that I'm feeling, 
I can't fucking take it.

People Secretly Love Pain

So....
been a while
Just here to drop my thoughts on y'all because if I don't I'll go crazy... 

I'm fucking tired & I can't deal, and not wanting to give up is making me more tired (lol so fucked.)

I just want peace, but it seems as though life doesn't give a fuck.
I'm doing everything I ever wanted, but slowly realised this year that none of that means shit if your mind ain't doing right by you.

I'm living from moment to moment, I'm literally on the path I need to be on and I can fucking see the light at the end of the tunnel.. but I just shut down, I just shut down.

I don't have the energy to push forward regardless, I don't have the energy to carry all this baggage & then hold on to the baggage around me, & of course the obvious answer would be to let go of it all, but it's difficult, it's so hard for me to see my friends go through shit and not attempt to help, all to to the detriment of my own peace of mind; unbeknownst to me. 

I feel like I'm battling with memories daily, people recently have been trying to 'help,' but their version of helping is full of unwanted sympathies stemming off of generalisations on what it is to be actively going through depression.

Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful that I am now in a place where I have people around who are always willing to give (advice etc) whenever they assume I'm feeling down.

but what most people fail to realise, and sometimes even for themselves, all people want is just an ear. All people are begging for is to just be heard, you don't even need to say anything lol,

but you know, it's almost human nature to wanna get involved in everything nowadays, & I think it's coz we're all fucking addicts to pain.

we all want to hear about pain, pain from others and our own, with TV shows and social media ravelling and profiting off of that fact. took me a while to really understand, in fact I'm still trying to understand, why?
why do we do that?
what is I about pain, that draws us?what is it about suffering that makes us want to be there
and if the answer is that we as a species are just helpful, then why isn't the same energy reciprocated into happiness & people's successes?
Why do we dwell on our shit?

Maybe I'm just questioning myself, I don't know,
Im vex and confused, I want to give up but there's really no point now, I wouldn't be doing anyone but myself a favour and that's only if hell isn't real lol.
I don't know,  

I don't think this one made as much sense as my other ones.