I'm so fucking tired of feeling like this.
Depression
I Battle with depression, people tell me my shit is dark, but this is how I deal with it so Fuck People. Talk/write/sing, do something to battle it don't just suffer, you're never alone.
Sunday 16 June 2024
Saturday 8 April 2023
I don’t want to live anymore.
I don’t want to live anymore, but I’m afraid of the pain that will happen just before committing to the act. Stops me every time.
I’ve literally lost hope.
And I don’t give a fuck.
If a bus hits me, you’ll probably see a smile on my face.
I just want this weight on my shoulders lifted.
I don’t want to feel shame & embarrassment.
I’m tired of always having success at the top of my fingers then watching it get more further away.
I’m tired of the heart palpitations.
Random panic attacks & not a single person will be able to tell, because I’m used to it.
I can’t fucking handle this life.
I can’t handle the constant pressure.
I’m tired of being a burden.
I’m tired of being a failure.
I’m tired of being broke.
I’m tired of trusting people only for them to leave, chat shit about me, laugh at me, point fingers behind my back.
I’m tired of getting my heart broken
I’m tired of being responsible for other people’s hearts.
I’m tired of music. It’s not even fucking fun anymore.
I'm tired of this always tryna look happy face ass fucking lifestyle that everybody seems to want a live. Perceived happiness all the fucking time
I’m tired of being sad. I’m finished, I’m finished I’m fucking finished.
I don’t want to be a victim anymore, but I see no immediate peace, & I feel like I’ve been struggling my whole life.
I can’t go into the past and change anything. I hate myself, i’ve spent too much time trying to changed that for fucking years & now I’m done.
I’m so done.
I can’t even share my stresses for myself because people think I’m being selfish.
Maybe I am selfish, maybe feeling this way is me just being selfish, but when I’m selfless I get taken advantage of, it’s a fucking crazy cycle that I’m done with.
I’m tired of life and I want it to FUCKING END.
If I die and you see this, release all my content please, thanks.
Sunday 26 December 2021
Just words
I haven’t written in too long. Sometimes I feel emotions that I struggle to make sense out of, so I write. 👇🏿
F*ck waiting, f*ck wanting
I just want to get it now
To be determined is a different vibe
A different flex
Humble when right
Owning it when I’m vex
I can be insulted
And it won’t bother me
My thoughts can’t be hauled with words aimed at me menacingly
I don’t want to be in love
If it means I can’t love myself
Self sabotage can’t become common
When my feelings damage my health
Love ain’t an object if I’m not at the centre
Sounds selfish I know
…better that than to live anxiously hoping you’re choices for you don’t affect someone else’s choices for themselves.
When every action feels phoney
The approach changes from too fast to fucking slowly
My intuition telling me to run
Refusal to listen brings on consequences that are now all too common
I’ve realise now that I know what I want…
I want me
So bad
Saturday 8 December 2018
peices.
Monday 27 August 2018
Tolerance - (freewrite)
No one listening to sides
We're both envisioning
Buried in emotions
You sigh, when I say I'm listening
I don't want you to let go
But still you're finishing the story
Before we even begin
And I'm just stuck with my pen
The way it's always began
Who'd ever thought that
Wanting to be all alone was such a scary thing
Wanting to be with you was a motive I did not prepare
Willing to give everything so quickly
But run empty, when the universe is taking it back
Like what the fuck
I want my life back
I want the times I gave up loving for my life back
Coz clearly minds are shuffling
And it's everyday I'm out here hustling
to make this dream reality
That makes my insecurities look like vanity personified
I grew tired of the term insanity
As if my identity was made whole when
I thought you came to take hold
Of my wholeness
I now only perceived half
Is that all I'm worth
Is that all I am
Make me question all the reasons for me even wanting
Make me wonder why you're here in the first place
If my fear is your doubt
Then what are we doing ¿
If my words are your targets
Then aim for my mouth
Aim for me
Seems as though I'm only worth something to you when there's only joy
Seems as though my heart means nothing to you so long as your heart is content
Does that mean I'm not the selfish one?
What does that mean
You do everything you don't want me to do,
& I'm kinda tired
I'm just try a figure me out
Tell me how I do that if all I get is your fears
Tell me how if all I'm getting is assumptions
I just want to get out of this space you're calling bottom
I just wanna be out of the way
So you can hold on
...to yourself
Coz clearly
Individuality is over promising
When everything you want
Is beyond expectation
My heart is numb
And you want me to fix yours
That's impossible
My mind wonders to
But if I can't share my feelings
Then it's just never enough
And that simply not enough for me
That's just simply not enough for me
I want more than a hand to hold
I want more that you're hand outs
I want more than your fighting tone
I want more than your empty threats
I want my own
I want me more than anything
And if that makes me selfish in your eyes then fuck you
If that makes me empty , then I don't mind, fuck you.
I will never give my soul
To the devil
If he knew my insides better than me
And if he wanted a better insight into me
I'd say focus on the b side of all of this shit.
I'm tired of the hurting
I'm tired of the empty threats
You say you'd never hurt me
But never say never
You can't even look me in the eye
But I guess that's whatever
I'm just tired of trying and trying
But shit never getting any better
You won't ever get my tears
But you gather they go unheard
Like I'm running from my issues
Even though we both know why that do
You just don't want me to move on
Or you're too hurt to move on
Either way
I'm too tired of the pain to let me
Choose wrong
I'm just tryna make a gain
But they won't do wrong
I'm to tired of the pain
I'm too tired of the pain
I'm just fed up with the pain
But somehow
I'm the same as everything you've ever had before,
I'm fucking tired
Of the same shit
Every time
Why you always pick the same shit every time
I just wanna see some changes every now and then
I just wanna see the phases change the tide
I just wanna hear some praises going high
Up, like we don't know what we're doing
Yet I'm blamed for what you're doing
Even though you take a piece of me
And show me how you use it
It still catches me
Out of my comfort zone
I'm just tolerating
I just want to be the ride that's in front of me
I just want to feel alive
Like we wanna be
I just rather you be mad
Then you take from me
Coz why am I giving if you're love is on loan
Why am I living if you're tolerance is on hold
Why do I try
If my effort isn't good enough
Fuck,
Do I even want this anymore
I just keep questioning
The more doubt seed planted in my head
The more I see that you're in my head
Coz I can't take this red
Emotion that I'm feeling,
I can't fucking take it.
Thursday 24 May 2018
People Secretly Love Pain
So....
been a while
Just here to drop my thoughts on y'all because if I don't I'll go crazy...
I'm fucking tired & I can't deal, and not wanting to give up is making me more tired (lol so fucked.)
I just want peace, but it seems as though life doesn't give a fuck.
I'm doing everything I ever wanted, but slowly realised this year that none of that means shit if your mind ain't doing right by you.
I'm living from moment to moment, I'm literally on the path I need to be on and I can fucking see the light at the end of the tunnel.. but I just shut down, I just shut down.
I don't have the energy to push forward regardless, I don't have the energy to carry all this baggage & then hold on to the baggage around me, & of course the obvious answer would be to let go of it all, but it's difficult, it's so hard for me to see my friends go through shit and not attempt to help, all to to the detriment of my own peace of mind; unbeknownst to me.
I feel like I'm battling with memories daily, people recently have been trying to 'help,' but their version of helping is full of unwanted sympathies stemming off of generalisations on what it is to be actively going through depression.
Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful that I am now in a place where I have people around who are always willing to give (advice etc) whenever they assume I'm feeling down.
but what most people fail to realise, and sometimes even for themselves, all people want is just an ear. All people are begging for is to just be heard, you don't even need to say anything lol,
but you know, it's almost human nature to wanna get involved in everything nowadays, & I think it's coz we're all fucking addicts to pain.
we all want to hear about pain, pain from others and our own, with TV shows and social media ravelling and profiting off of that fact. took me a while to really understand, in fact I'm still trying to understand, why?
why do we do that?
what is I about pain, that draws us?what is it about suffering that makes us want to be there
and if the answer is that we as a species are just helpful, then why isn't the same energy reciprocated into happiness & people's successes?
Why do we dwell on our shit?
Maybe I'm just questioning myself, I don't know,
Im vex and confused, I want to give up but there's really no point now, I wouldn't be doing anyone but myself a favour and that's only if hell isn't real lol.
I don't know,
I don't think this one made as much sense as my other ones.
Saturday 24 February 2018
Depression Live (video)
Niggas don't like me coz I'm nomadic
frightening how they don't have it
unlike me they don't go at it
timing is my new fabric
blind me if I'm lying
bar me then I'm silent
then you see a light cruising at an altitude that you can't touch
you can't watch
whining is your new habit but
lighting never reached the cabin
ask if you don't know what I mean
d'you know what I mean¿
funny how the people put it
funny how the people dance dance till they see the cross...
cross if you lose the logic
you walk to slow to manage
your feelings gave you baggage
now you're too deep to hack it
too deep to hack it.
Question....
where's all the love gone¿
where's all the feeling when the meaning gets intoxicated
fake memories
remembering anticipating
you let her in; then that's one more
shit! don't make it bait
just let her wait
let her.
reminiscing is devastating (I can't go back)
if I smell hate I can never take it
don't tell me you don't want me
or was this all a lie
you know my feelings [are]half full
but my mind's empty
I get a meeting half done
then my mind wonders
tell her meet me half one
then I drop at nine
never on time,
nigga I'm past it.
tell me don't fly
maybe you didn't see these wings on my back
how come o one ever sees these wings on my back
if I'm looking to jump I'm gonna jump
they don't tell you fuck al so whats the point
I do my shit coz I don't care
the haters get air
where's the love when they all want you to be someone else
if I'm looking to jump I'm gonna jump
they don't tell you fuck al so whats the point
I do my shit coz I don't care
the haters get air
where's the love when they all want you to be someone else