I don’t even know anymore.

I’ve been suffering with my mental health for as long as I can remember. And so I came to Devon two years ago to try restart my life, 

Abused as a kid, bullied, made fun of; all this because, I struggle, I didn’t fit the norm. I was always labelled the weird, emotionally manipulative, horrible.

I don’t know, maybe I deserve it all.

I’ve lost soo many friends

I messed up soo many relationships 

I can’t handle anymore loss,

I can’t handle trusting anyone with my heart and my pain.

And now I can’t even trust myself to be open to anyone, not even to my therapist.

I thought I’d be able to get through the this.

All I wanted was to be happy.

But I guess that’s not how my life was panned out to be for me.

I don’t know how to ask for help without seeming like I’m trying to take advantage of anyone. So I don’t say anything, then I get punished for staying silent. 

The feeling of hating myself has never been so strong. The feeling of not wanting to be here anymore is too overwhelming.

I’m embarrassed by the lack of emotional control I have. 

I’m so tired 

And I’m out of options. 

When I choose to lean on anyone, I’m seen as a victim.

I never wanted anything from anyone.

I just don’t know the right ways of doing anything. 

I’m the type to cry when slightly embarrassed 

I’m the type to get so upset when labelled

I’m the type to hide when I’m hurt.

Maybe i am just a horrible person 

But All I can say to that is I know my heart and my intentions. And every person I’ve ever interacted with whether they hate me or now, I wanted to love. But how do you show love when you don’t know how to receive it?

I just want my mind to quiet down 

I want some time without feeling like I’m the worst.

I understand that repeating issues is most likely to be a problem only I can fix,

But I don’t have the strength anymore.

Antidepressants don’t work, advice doesn’t work

Im in pain and I don’t know how to cope anymore.

I’m sorry to all that I’ve hurt, everyone I’ve affected negatively.

I just wanted love & joy. 

I remember saying that to someone and their response being ‘life isn’t just about happiness’

Well if not that then what? 

I don’t know anymore.

Sorry to everyone.

I don’t want to hurt anyone by quitting 

But no one understands how much hurt and pain I’ve been in. It just doesn’t stop. And no matter how many times I try to be optimistic, I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I think I’m ready to quit now 

I’m sorry everyone. 

I really tried. 

lol it doesn’t stop

 My life just keeps getting worse and worse.

I think I’m done with this .

Imagine

 I’ll never tell anyone that I suffer with depression & anxiety….

I’ll never tell anyone that I’m autistic….

Those are the thoughts that run through my head when in a new environment. 

Tryna safeguard my emotions for the sake of the perception of a neurological life. Because this black man isn’t allowed to get depressed, isn’t allowed to get anxious and isn’t allowed to feel suicidal. 

When this man tries to get help, there’s of course a two year waiting gap to get FUCKING DIAGNOSED.

I’ve been tired for too long. Would love to have an advocate. Would love to be able to afford treatment, 

But all of that cost money I’ll probably never have.

Evidently so; I can be in a situation where my dog is dying in front of my eyes, and I’m doing everything to try and save him, but a symptom of that is I get depressed and need time work… not even just work, I need time off life in general… but if I take that time, people struggle to empathise towards why I’d need it. That and i lack the motivation to even show up which has always been the case, but i really tried to be transparent, maybe it’s just not a good enough excuse. Maybe I should’ve just went anyway, but my body will then refuse to listen to me, I’d get ill & I know Ive no reason to be ill but it’s like my body reflects what I’m ACTUALLY feeling regardless of how much I’d like to mask it. my dog then dies, I need to disappear, I express that, I get permission. I come back and I get fired… not for misconduct, but for lack of consistency due to me not being well enough to show up in the last few months. 

Now faced with the possible threat of losing my home… the one place I really felt a great sense of accomplishment.

My biggest source of pride something I did for myself, and I fucked it by trusting someone.

HOW TF DO I TRUST NOW?

I can’t even trust myself with attempting to search for a job.

I wish I didn’t have to do any of this

My whole life feels like I’m just surviving with small glimpses of fun and a good future to tease me into ‘trusting the process’ and then I do and I get FUCKED all over again.

I’m tired and I want to jump. I feel like no one really truly cares about me in the way that I need. 

What do I need, you ask..

lol good question, I don’t fucking know myself.

People offer me their love, do they even know how much I hate myself?

And then I’ll take the opportunity to love someone else thinking maybe it’ll take my brain away from the sustain I have for myself for having to deal with this type of depression for so fucking long… only to end up hurting said person because I struggle to give to myself what I ask of them… that or I get ridiculously embarrassed intentionally or not; by the person giving me love, because I can’t regulate my own jealousy or sadness…

Now I’m just at the ‘what the fuck do I do now?’ Stage of my life.

Why do I even need to be here?

If I’m such a bother to everyone any myself, what the actual fuck am I doing alive? 

How the fuck do I look for joy when the last time I feel TRULY safe was in my adolescence (pre 8yrs)

And even that’s fucked up because I can remember being only 5/6 years old and being terrified of being beaten/punished for something stupid that kids would normally do, like repeating a swear on tv, or loosing my school shoes.

My whole life feels like a burden.

I’d love to blame Covid, because for a while before that, I felt like I was at least growing, even though I was still depressed, I knew what I wanted… trouble is, I had no proper guidance, no one to tell me how to set up a UTR number, no one to tell me how to do my taxes. Just trying to make things work with the 3-400 I’d make playing keys in church on Sundays. But even then I’ve had to compromise my character to do it.

But no, it runs deeper than the global isolation. I’ve built habits that tear me down, mentally and financially. And though people say, as an adult you’re responsible for yourself, and I agree with that sentiment in part, I felt like I didn’t get the opportunity to grow, I didn’t get the opportunity to REALLY enjoy what I love(music, performing). I’ve changed my passion, I feel like I teach because If I can’t live the dream i dreamt, that let me at least lay a brick down on the road for my students dreams.

I don’t know.

I’m tired.

Was going to type, I should write more, but stopped myself knowing the only thing I should do rn is check on these lumps that have decided to turn up in my body.

I’m fucking scared, it’s been here for close to 6months and now I’ve found a new one in a completely different place. 

I’m scared, i’m tired, I feel so embarrassed, and honestly my life feels like a waste. 

I just want to be happy.

 I'm so fucking tired of feeling like this. 

I don’t want to live anymore.

 I don’t want to live anymore, but I’m afraid of the pain that will happen just before committing to the act. Stops me every time.

I’ve literally lost hope.

And I don’t give a fuck.

If a bus hits me, you’ll probably see a smile on my face.

I just want this weight on my shoulders lifted.

I don’t want to feel shame & embarrassment. 

I’m tired of always having success at the top of my fingers then watching it get more further away.

I’m tired of the heart palpitations.

Random panic attacks & not a single person will be able to tell, because I’m used to it.

I can’t fucking handle this life.

I can’t handle the constant pressure. 

I’m tired of being a burden.

I’m tired of being a failure.

I’m tired of being broke.

I’m tired of trusting people only for them to leave, chat shit about me, laugh at me, point fingers behind my back.

I’m tired of getting my heart broken

I’m tired of being responsible for other people’s hearts.

I’m tired of music. It’s not even fucking fun anymore.

I'm tired of this always tryna look happy face ass fucking lifestyle that everybody seems to want a live. Perceived happiness all the fucking time

I’m tired of being sad. I’m finished, I’m finished I’m fucking finished.

I don’t want to be a victim anymore, but I see no immediate peace, & I feel like I’ve been struggling my whole life.

I can’t go into the past and change anything. I hate myself, i’ve spent too much time trying to changed that for fucking years & now I’m done.

I’m so done.

I can’t even share my stresses for myself because people think I’m being selfish. 

Maybe I am selfish, maybe feeling this way is me just being selfish, but when I’m selfless I get taken advantage of, it’s a fucking crazy cycle that I’m done with.

I’m tired of life and I want it to FUCKING END.

If I die and you see this, release all my content please, thanks. 

Just words

 I haven’t written in too long. Sometimes I feel emotions that I struggle to make sense out of, so I write. 👇🏿

F*ck waiting, f*ck wanting

I just want to get it now

To be determined is a different vibe

A different flex

Humble when right

Owning it when I’m vex

I can be insulted

And it won’t bother me

My thoughts can’t be hauled with words aimed at me menacingly 

I don’t want to be in love

If it means I can’t love myself

Self sabotage can’t become common

When my feelings damage my health

Love ain’t an object if I’m not at the centre

Sounds selfish I know

…better that than to live anxiously hoping you’re choices for you don’t affect someone else’s choices for themselves.

When every action feels phoney 

The approach changes from too fast to fucking slowly

My intuition telling me to run

Refusal to listen brings on consequences that are now all too common

I’ve realise now that I know what I want…

I want me 

So bad 

peices.

I stuck to my guns for the first time

It's Ironic that the bullets that I used were not mine

Rather; it came from the victims mouth.

I wish it was normal for me to fight

Then maybe I'd be able to manoeuvre this battle of sound

Who's got the last word

Who's not listening 

What did you last learn

When is this finishing

My mind isn't built to constantly 

Burn in this Rotisserie 

Maybe I'm thinking lucid

Maybe it's been approached viciously 

Whatever it is,

I've reached my limit.

Whatever it is

I think it's finished

Whatever is is

I don't want it

I wanna be calm,

I wanna be high

I wanna be fine

But somehow, I'm always this,

I'm always that

I gotta do this

I gotta do that,

FUCK THAT

I am who I am for a reason

And that reason cannot

 WILL NOT

Be Changed.

Who I wanna be

And who you want are two different people

If you want a different person

Then why fight for something else?

I wish for peace

I won't back down this time, I need peace of my own mind

I need to be in a new space

Because this one, is a painful one

I don't want to deal with rejection every time there's a misunderstanding 

I prefer to only deal with rejection once,

I want peace of mind

I want peace of mind 

I want peace of mind

I want peace of mind, 

I just for once want to do something that isn't wrong

I'm tired of being people's punching bag

I want peace of mind

I'm so tired of fighting people,

You don't understand

I'm so tired,

I feel like my head is going to explode.

I just ask why?

I wish I knew why 

Am I just a magnet for this shit?

I want to cry but I can't right now

I'm angry I keep shedding tears for the same fucking situations

I just want for there to be peace

In me

Even if the whole world wants to step on my toes in unison

I wish for a straight face, 

I wish I didn't have to fight so hard

Not even to be understood, but simply to find peace

I wish peace was like fast food

"Boss.... BOSS how much for 3 peice tranquillity And a side of silence?"

Starving physically

Climbing out of this monetary hole

And being shamed back in

Maybe I did flop

Maybe I didn't give enough

Maybe I'm just lost

Maybe I can't do this,

All I know is

Each time,

Each time we go through this, 

My mind doesn't want to

Almost feels like my head has been overloaded with unwanted fluid

I don't know what to do

I want love, but I want me more.

I want peace of mind