I don’t even know anymore.

I’ve been suffering with my mental health for as long as I can remember. And so I came to Devon two years ago to try restart my life, 

Abused as a kid, bullied, made fun of; all this because, I struggle, I didn’t fit the norm. I was always labelled the weird, emotionally manipulative, horrible.

I don’t know, maybe I deserve it all.

I’ve lost soo many friends

I messed up soo many relationships 

I can’t handle anymore loss,

I can’t handle trusting anyone with my heart and my pain.

And now I can’t even trust myself to be open to anyone, not even to my therapist.

I thought I’d be able to get through the this.

All I wanted was to be happy.

But I guess that’s not how my life was panned out to be for me.

I don’t know how to ask for help without seeming like I’m trying to take advantage of anyone. So I don’t say anything, then I get punished for staying silent. 

The feeling of hating myself has never been so strong. The feeling of not wanting to be here anymore is too overwhelming.

I’m embarrassed by the lack of emotional control I have. 

I’m so tired 

And I’m out of options. 

When I choose to lean on anyone, I’m seen as a victim.

I never wanted anything from anyone.

I just don’t know the right ways of doing anything. 

I’m the type to cry when slightly embarrassed 

I’m the type to get so upset when labelled

I’m the type to hide when I’m hurt.

Maybe i am just a horrible person 

But All I can say to that is I know my heart and my intentions. And every person I’ve ever interacted with whether they hate me or now, I wanted to love. But how do you show love when you don’t know how to receive it?

I just want my mind to quiet down 

I want some time without feeling like I’m the worst.

I understand that repeating issues is most likely to be a problem only I can fix,

But I don’t have the strength anymore.

Antidepressants don’t work, advice doesn’t work

Im in pain and I don’t know how to cope anymore.

I’m sorry to all that I’ve hurt, everyone I’ve affected negatively.

I just wanted love & joy. 

I remember saying that to someone and their response being ‘life isn’t just about happiness’

Well if not that then what? 

I don’t know anymore.

Sorry to everyone.

I don’t want to hurt anyone by quitting 

But no one understands how much hurt and pain I’ve been in. It just doesn’t stop. And no matter how many times I try to be optimistic, I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I think I’m ready to quit now 

I’m sorry everyone. 

I really tried.