I Hope

Re-opening old wounds 

When you’ve spent time forgetting about it is the worst

I just want peace of mind,

I just want peace.

I need to be freed from the trap, years of depression has played on my heart

But I can’t fucking do it,

It hurts too much

It hurts way too much

And no one understands.

The story now too broad to tell

The memories entrapped in a crippling fear

Tears run down as I proceed to insert the key to free myself…

I can’t do it.

Why can’t I fucking do it?

It feels as though I’ve tried it all

It feels as though there’s no hope

Or maybe not that there’s no hope

But hope is teasing me

Every single fucking time I get too comfortable

Every single time I get fucking hopeful , even for myself

Life happens, 

Everything falls to shit

I loose sleep

My mind travels to the deepest parts of my insecurities

I feel so lost

But hopeful 

& hopeless

All at the same time

I want to give up every time I get to this point 

Then I go through my ‘positivity routine’

“Maybe this thing will work”

I say to myself 

“Don’t give up this easy man”

But then the second voice is always battling back

Kinda like the little angel & devil on the shoulder, like you’d see in cartoons

This shit’s fucked

But I’m keeping myself in it because I made something for me to live for

I just hope that the desire to stay on top of my passion 

Continues to outmatch my desire to give up.

I Hope.