Bridges.

Is it an excuse?

is it?

Am i to feel this forever?

Do i jump or keep walking¿

My senses wanting to finish the chapter,

But my music got me across the bridge…

…This time…

My guardian Angel had to progress

leaving me fending for myself in this miserable London weather

They had me covered,

until they didn't

& my soul was up for grabs.

I wish i could express how being used feels like in the mind of a depressed man

I wish i could express how rejection feels like in the mind of a depressed black man

I wish i could express how significant love is in the mind of an artist

‘Love yourself’

do you love yourself?

is it easy to do so for you?

I remember,

I remember small things, like…

how they all used to come to mine to record,

invite me to insane places,

tell me i mean the world,

then leave.

I remember crying for love,

in the presence of those to whom I wanted it most.

‘Be A Man’

‘Man up”

But maybe i just want to cry,

maybe I just want to cry

Maybe it’s my fault?

Blaming myself has become so common place,

maybe if i cry alone,

maybe if i fight alone

maybe if i speak alone,

Write with a mirror infant of me

unsure of who’s staring back.

There is no escape. 

Nothing and everything, seems all too real.

¿v

I

Years of depression

so i try and guard mine,

i hide fright,

i don’t fight,

i don’t try.

i just want to be understood.

i spent my life as a musical tool,

and quit literally…

church to church, in the background for 15years straight

you’d think i’d be used to people,

you’d think i’d know how to handle a disagreement….

I don’t want to give up on it but it’ssoo hard,

everything is black and white

all i do is hope for someone to understand,

my mind is broken,

my heart in pieces. 

my thoughts gone.

my faith evaporated.

But it’s raining now, it’s time to face what i ran from, 

it’s time to face these challenges.

Situation may not be unique, 

but for me it’s new every time.

i’d rather just make music,

i’d rather disappear and make music

i’d rather make music.

because these words won’t get me home.

this mind won’t get me love.

this mouth won’t be heard.

They say i always play the victim,

I didn’t want to believe that, because

the tears shed at night,

the idea that I’m ruining my own life

because my emotions can’t be controlled

runs clear

and does not stop until i feel love again.

an endless cycle of not being sure…

having to accept other truths just so i won’t be alone

is jarring.

i’d rather make music.

¿v

Shell.

I suppose I’m not that great at telling my feelings;

...Coz I don't believe in them.

don't believe in going with what my body tells me

Because going with what my body tells me 

Is running from full control.

Running away from love,

Not towards.

Slowly embracing fear,

The comfort of my own shell...

Each time having to patch up 

the ever growing abrasion

Caused by stabbings that i’m not prepared for.

My back hurts now.

I'm beginning to feel it now.

As each new entity enters, 

I sink deeper into my feelings

As I sink deeper into my feelings,

I become more aware of this pressure.

Only this time, 

I feel the point.

The tip of the sword grazing my lower back

...This shell is useless.

I can't see anything.

Not even myself...

I need to see.

Even though this mirror Is supposed to show me exactly what I am,

It's too dark to see.

I gotta leave this shell.

Or I'll die in it.

pick up my little plastic knife

And attempt to venture in the unknown.

Go out as a self perceived naked turtle...

...To fight.

It's time to fight.

I want to see who's controlling the sword 

that brought me to the edge of life.

I want to know who's controlling the sword 

that made me feel all these feelings 

when all I really wanted was one thing.

What do I have to loose...?

If my life is as valuable as my shell,

Then what do I have to loose?

I crawl out… 

I see millions of shells.

I turn and mine is intact.

They're all intact....

I can breathe. 

I can see my reflection.

I can hear music.

But there is still a haunting silence

as I try and shout into another shell. 

As I try and find another turtle 

who has abandoned it's shell.

I'm still alone...

What good is freedom when you only get to experience it alone?

But at least my back stopped hurting...

...right?

Love.

What do you want¿

Sometimes 

I wanna be whole again...

& Sometimes just speak...

Sometimes distance isn't the best thing

But what does it matter when love is out of the question. 

Perception of love clouding what should be... what should be?

When should it be...?

Morning after morning,

Life gives a history lesson.

Wake up alone and still feel your centre rhythm...

Every time I need you to speak, 

I remember where you stood…

Once there's no more love

How do you salvage it?

A step forward in life 

feels like a step away from you...

Whether that's a negative thing,

Only time will tell.

But I'm afraid that by then,

I'd have walked to far to turn back to you.

…

Sometimes wish I never met you 

Or that I was a scumbag when I did...

Seems to be the only way you can fall in love and not be hurt by rejection.

Love.

The Price of Freedom

we search for answers that can never be found,

we search for something to give us hope,

but the search will never be easy.

a loose cannon stuck between two mindsets,

people who hold dear their ways

and people who search.

but to a pack member 

their flock is more important.

Their herd is to be protected,

God forbid you wonder,

Lord forbid you loose you way,

distracted by love that isn’t written,

the love that was meant to be reflected from a deity

is that the love you speak of?

the reason you share,

the reason we laugh,

the reason we love.

you cant break something already broken,

you can’t reach a heart distant from you

…unless that heart reaches back…

only to be threatened once more by

the very thing that he let go.

her life is not her own

to him he belongs

she gave herself away

she gives herself away, repeatedly

to the only man not able to physically hold her

to be used, by him. 

her allegiance held ransom for

assurance of life,

unaware of the many wonders in this one life that she owns.

I digress

It’s not negative, 

because i gave myself to him too once,

my talent, my time,

my sanity, my friends, 

my family….

I signed a deal with a saviour 

and the price for the release of my contract

weighs heavy.

I wanted my all back,

unfortunately I gave that all away.

i wish i had read the fine print,

 ‘If you want out, then you become my enemy.

you’re now an outcast,

you’re now seen as ignorant

and you have no knowledge of what love is.’

Freedom has a price.

No one knows what love is…

So just love.

¿v