People Secretly Love Pain

So....
been a while
Just here to drop my thoughts on y'all because if I don't I'll go crazy... 

I'm fucking tired & I can't deal, and not wanting to give up is making me more tired (lol so fucked.)

I just want peace, but it seems as though life doesn't give a fuck.
I'm doing everything I ever wanted, but slowly realised this year that none of that means shit if your mind ain't doing right by you.

I'm living from moment to moment, I'm literally on the path I need to be on and I can fucking see the light at the end of the tunnel.. but I just shut down, I just shut down.

I don't have the energy to push forward regardless, I don't have the energy to carry all this baggage & then hold on to the baggage around me, & of course the obvious answer would be to let go of it all, but it's difficult, it's so hard for me to see my friends go through shit and not attempt to help, all to to the detriment of my own peace of mind; unbeknownst to me. 

I feel like I'm battling with memories daily, people recently have been trying to 'help,' but their version of helping is full of unwanted sympathies stemming off of generalisations on what it is to be actively going through depression.

Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful that I am now in a place where I have people around who are always willing to give (advice etc) whenever they assume I'm feeling down.

but what most people fail to realise, and sometimes even for themselves, all people want is just an ear. All people are begging for is to just be heard, you don't even need to say anything lol,

but you know, it's almost human nature to wanna get involved in everything nowadays, & I think it's coz we're all fucking addicts to pain.

we all want to hear about pain, pain from others and our own, with TV shows and social media ravelling and profiting off of that fact. took me a while to really understand, in fact I'm still trying to understand, why?
why do we do that?
what is I about pain, that draws us?what is it about suffering that makes us want to be there
and if the answer is that we as a species are just helpful, then why isn't the same energy reciprocated into happiness & people's successes?
Why do we dwell on our shit?

Maybe I'm just questioning myself, I don't know,
Im vex and confused, I want to give up but there's really no point now, I wouldn't be doing anyone but myself a favour and that's only if hell isn't real lol.
I don't know,  

I don't think this one made as much sense as my other ones.