Tolerance - (freewrite)

Too many excuses for love
No one listening to sides
We're both envisioning 
Buried in emotions
You sigh, when I say I'm listening 
I don't want you to let go
But still you're finishing the story
Before we even begin
And I'm just stuck with my pen
The way it's always began

Who'd ever thought that
Wanting to be all alone was such a scary thing 
Wanting to be with you was a motive I did not prepare

Willing to give everything so quickly 
But run empty, when the universe is taking it back 
Like what the fuck
I want my life back

I want the times I gave up loving for my life back
Coz clearly minds are shuffling 
And it's everyday I'm out here hustling 
to make this dream reality 
That makes my insecurities look like vanity personified 

I grew tired of the term insanity 
As if my identity was made whole when 
I thought you came to take hold
Of my wholeness 
I now only perceived half

Is that all I'm worth
Is that all I am

Make me question all the reasons for me even wanting 
Make me wonder why you're here in the first place
If my fear is your doubt
Then what are we doing ¿

If my words are your targets 
Then aim for my mouth 
Aim for me
Seems as though I'm only worth something to you when there's only joy

Seems as though my heart means nothing to you so long as your heart is content

Does that mean I'm not the selfish one?

What does that mean

You do everything you don't want me to do,

& I'm kinda tired

I'm just try a figure me out
Tell me how I do that if all I get is your fears
Tell me how if all I'm getting is assumptions 

I just want to get out of this space you're calling bottom 
I just wanna be out of the way 
So you can hold on

...to yourself

Coz clearly
Individuality is over promising
When everything you want 
Is beyond expectation

My heart is numb
And you want me to fix yours
That's impossible 
My mind wonders to 
But if I can't share my feelings 
Then it's just never enough 
And that simply not enough for me

That's just simply not enough for me

I want more than a hand to hold
I want more that you're hand outs
I want more than your fighting tone
I want more than your empty threats 

I want my own
I want me more than anything 
And if that makes me selfish in your eyes then fuck you
If that makes me empty , then I don't mind, fuck you.

I will never give my soul
To the devil 
If he knew my insides better than me
And if he wanted a better insight into me
I'd say focus on the b side of all of this shit.

I'm tired of the hurting

I'm tired of the empty threats

You say you'd never hurt me
But never say never
You can't even look me in the eye
But I guess that's whatever 

I'm just tired of trying and trying 
But shit never getting any better
You won't ever get my tears
But you gather they go unheard 
Like I'm running from my issues
Even though we both know why that do

You just don't want me to move on
Or you're too hurt to move on
Either way

I'm too tired of the pain to let me
Choose wrong

I'm just tryna make a gain
But they won't do wrong
I'm to tired of the pain
I'm too tired of the pain
I'm just fed up with the pain
But somehow 
I'm the same as everything you've ever had before, 
I'm fucking tired
Of the same shit
Every time 

Why you always pick the same shit every time 
I just wanna see some changes every now and then
I just wanna see the phases change the tide
I just wanna hear some praises going high
Up, like we don't know what we're doing

Yet I'm blamed for what you're doing
Even though you take a piece of me 
And show me how you use it

It still catches me
Out of my comfort zone
I'm just tolerating 

I just want to be the ride that's in front of me
I just want to feel alive
Like we wanna be
I just rather you be mad
Then you take from me

Coz why am I giving if you're love is on loan
Why am I living if you're tolerance is on hold
Why do I try
If my effort isn't good enough 

Fuck, 

Do I even want this anymore

I just keep questioning 

The more doubt seed planted in my head
The more I see that you're in my head
Coz I can't take this red
Emotion that I'm feeling, 
I can't fucking take it.