People Secretly Love Pain

So....
been a while
Just here to drop my thoughts on y'all because if I don't I'll go crazy... 

I'm fucking tired & I can't deal, and not wanting to give up is making me more tired (lol so fucked.)

I just want peace, but it seems as though life doesn't give a fuck.
I'm doing everything I ever wanted, but slowly realised this year that none of that means shit if your mind ain't doing right by you.

I'm living from moment to moment, I'm literally on the path I need to be on and I can fucking see the light at the end of the tunnel.. but I just shut down, I just shut down.

I don't have the energy to push forward regardless, I don't have the energy to carry all this baggage & then hold on to the baggage around me, & of course the obvious answer would be to let go of it all, but it's difficult, it's so hard for me to see my friends go through shit and not attempt to help, all to to the detriment of my own peace of mind; unbeknownst to me. 

I feel like I'm battling with memories daily, people recently have been trying to 'help,' but their version of helping is full of unwanted sympathies stemming off of generalisations on what it is to be actively going through depression.

Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful that I am now in a place where I have people around who are always willing to give (advice etc) whenever they assume I'm feeling down.

but what most people fail to realise, and sometimes even for themselves, all people want is just an ear. All people are begging for is to just be heard, you don't even need to say anything lol,

but you know, it's almost human nature to wanna get involved in everything nowadays, & I think it's coz we're all fucking addicts to pain.

we all want to hear about pain, pain from others and our own, with TV shows and social media ravelling and profiting off of that fact. took me a while to really understand, in fact I'm still trying to understand, why?
why do we do that?
what is I about pain, that draws us?what is it about suffering that makes us want to be there
and if the answer is that we as a species are just helpful, then why isn't the same energy reciprocated into happiness & people's successes?
Why do we dwell on our shit?

Maybe I'm just questioning myself, I don't know,
Im vex and confused, I want to give up but there's really no point now, I wouldn't be doing anyone but myself a favour and that's only if hell isn't real lol.
I don't know,  

I don't think this one made as much sense as my other ones.

Depression Live (video)

Niggas don't like me coz I'm nomadic
frightening how they don't have it
unlike me they don't go at it
timing is my new fabric
blind me if I'm lying
bar me then I'm silent

then you see a light cruising at an altitude that you can't touch
you can't watch

whining is your new habit but
lighting never reached the cabin
ask if you don't know what I mean

d'you know what I mean¿

funny how the people put it
funny how the people dance dance till they see the cross...

cross if you lose the logic
you walk to slow to manage
your feelings gave you baggage
now you're too deep to hack it

(Trips on the drum mic)
too deep to hack it.

Question....

where's all the love gone¿
where's all the feeling when the meaning gets intoxicated
fake memories
remembering anticipating

you let her in; then that's one more
shit! don't make it bait
just let her wait
let her.

reminiscing is devastating (I can't go back)
if I smell hate I can never take it

don't tell me you don't want me
or was this all a lie
you know my feelings [are]half full
but my mind's empty

I get a meeting half done
then my mind wonders
tell her meet me half one
then I drop at nine

never on time,
nigga I'm past it.

tell me don't fly
maybe you didn't see these wings on my back
how come o one ever sees these wings on my back

if I'm looking to jump I'm gonna jump
they don't tell you fuck al so whats the point
I do my shit coz I don't care
the haters get air
where's the love when they all want you to be someone else

if I'm looking to jump I'm gonna jump
they don't tell you fuck al so whats the point
I do my shit coz I don't care
the haters get air
where's the love when they all want you to be someone else

I Hope

Re-opening old wounds 

When you’ve spent time forgetting about it is the worst

I just want peace of mind,

I just want peace.

I need to be freed from the trap, years of depression has played on my heart

But I can’t fucking do it,

It hurts too much

It hurts way too much

And no one understands.

The story now too broad to tell

The memories entrapped in a crippling fear

Tears run down as I proceed to insert the key to free myself…

I can’t do it.

Why can’t I fucking do it?

It feels as though I’ve tried it all

It feels as though there’s no hope

Or maybe not that there’s no hope

But hope is teasing me

Every single fucking time I get too comfortable

Every single time I get fucking hopeful , even for myself

Life happens, 

Everything falls to shit

I loose sleep

My mind travels to the deepest parts of my insecurities

I feel so lost

But hopeful 

& hopeless

All at the same time

I want to give up every time I get to this point 

Then I go through my ‘positivity routine’

“Maybe this thing will work”

I say to myself 

“Don’t give up this easy man”

But then the second voice is always battling back

Kinda like the little angel & devil on the shoulder, like you’d see in cartoons

This shit’s fucked

But I’m keeping myself in it because I made something for me to live for

I just hope that the desire to stay on top of my passion 

Continues to outmatch my desire to give up.

I Hope.

Jus wanna ****

What happens, 

What happens after you’ve been physically drained

Physically starved

Too used to pain

Too used to cold rain

Too comfortable with mediocre 

I guess I just wanna Love with no restrictions

But how can I when I only know rejection

Whether it comes from outside or in

I ain’t trying anymore

I keep saying that and landing in a ditch

So I blind myself

Plucked my eye out so I couldn’t see your soul

So I couldn’t hear your heart cry

to silence my own

I just wanna love

But perceptions were too primitive

For comprehension 

Maybe in younger light I may be able to see better

But will these new sights

Overwhelm me beyond my expectation,

Is it that I must search for the positive in it all 

simply accept these hot coals under my feet as truth

That I myself chose

A truth

That my eye failed to uncover when it was needed most

Im just here trying to make sense of it all

But I feel like that’s costing me my sanity

I feel like knowledge is fucking lonely

We all want to feel love.

Only a few want to know love.

Please explain the difference between Love & God

Too Quick to capitalise that g 

You miss how they capitalise 

On your yearning for knowledge

An infinite prospect 9

Anxious

Swingin’ a miss,

How the fuck did I get here¿

Swinging with no connection,

The dial tone is deafening 

my ear,

but here I am still screaming 

down the line.

If I believed in destiny 

I’d tell you that

you were mine,

but you don’t see it that way

or

You don’t show it that way.

I’m here trying to crack a code 

With a password thats easier than 123

But the doors are sealed shut.

Waiting to create moments

where you briefly peep through the hole,

I’m trying to catch you off guard.

I can’t protect you

but I’d learn  to fly just so I can catch you,

I’d rather die then have em take you.

The toughest battle is within me.

If I’m ready to give up so much, 

Ascend so quick,

Then I gotta prepare for a hard fall.

I feel like a dickhead for not being able

To tell you how I feel,

Maybe It’s because I see more value than jus a beat,

More value than jus what I want or need.

My desires towards you  

frail in comparison 

To my desire to see you win.

So I shut myself out

Just to keep shit running smooth

I cower into space,

coz maybe a touch would be too much.

Maybe too long a hug 

would hold too much weight.

I could jus say I jus wanna fuck

But thats an understatement.

I want to pleasure you,

Or at least try.

In so many more ways than one.

Not for any other reason

Other than you deserve it

& im hungry…

Or thirsty. 

Spoke about how 

You would rather put niggas to the ‘test,’

Well, if there’s a better time to submit my application, 

I guess it would be now.

How can I tell you to use me

& tell you I want to be inside you 

at the same time¿

But 

Whether you want it or not, 

I don’t want much to change between us.

¿

My Faith is none of your business.

Romans 14:10 

10 But you, why do you criticize your brother? Or you again, why do you look down on your [believing] brother or regard him with contempt? For we will all stand before the judgment seat of God [who alone is judge].

What I believe in has nothing to do with you. But since I’m on the topic, and I can’t seem to go nowhere christian bound without hella looks questions & statements like ‘Go back to God’ here’s my opinion...

You made a vow to save the world for Jesus Christ your lord,

...congratulations...

But unlike you, people(I’m generalising) outside of your faith are fine. No one ‘drowns in a sea of sin,’ no one’s lost, no one needs hope like you did, not everyone needs saving, no one’s the same.

I used to be apart of the worlds biggest recruitment team, till I realised that that’s literally all I spent my time doing, trying to bring people I didn’t know; closer to a God that I thought I knew.

The balls I had back then lol,

Like fighting with preaching Muslims on the street about which scripture is more credible, arguing ‘truth’ like I’m special enough to know the answers... none of it matters once they put that final nail in.

I was living my life in fear of God, scared of hell, so I worshipped, fasted and prayed to make sure I never made it there.

I legit was living in fear of death, under duress from 1500 year old accounts written 40 years after the death of ‘God’s son.’ Once that reality set, I became so bitter, bitter towards the church, bitter towards the concept of God, bitter towards it all.

My view of Religion became that of an occult, just a couple pagan rituals(google Origins of Easter & Christmas & hella Catholic ish), speaking in tongues(only became gibberish in the 19/20th century) & the money... oh my days, the money, pretty much the very thing; if not the only thing keeping it all together is your pay check.

How many prophecies I’ve heard not come to fruition, how many families I see struggle financially but never forget their 10%, watching their Pastors(some not all) flash their congregations money in the form of cars, houses & clothing.

‘Matt 19:27 (paraphrased)

Peter: man gave up everytin, nothing’s left so wag1?

Jesus: When you die, you’ll live. (What a bar)

I can imagine how with the right tone & phrasing, how enticing that can sound.

But I had to ask myself, if I’m living to suffer for my new amazing eternal life when I die... am I even living¿ is there any point to my enjoying myself the way I do, making the tunes, having friends, all of that, if you can spin anything to be a sin¿

Who’s right and whose wrong¿ millions die without once hearing the name ‘Jesus’

Am i supposed to believe their life was a lie, that they’re experiencing God’s absence in the afterlife right now¿

Sigh...

(Plot twist) I still go to church though, my small community church set up in a gym, for the fellowship, for the love and nothing else. I’m not against any religion but I’m far from a literal believer. I guess I learnt that there are ways of life that our ancestors created to make sense of it all that we can’t escape. But we can evolve them, unfortunately Evolution isn’t in the bible (lol).

Ultimately, I believe it’s an insult to God, to think that a book put together by Romans’ 292years after the ‘facts’ can be used as the sole definitive word of God.

If you’re hurt by this, I’m sorry, this is my truth.

If you’re intrigued, I’m happy to have a conversation. 

✌🏿&🖤always 

¿

The General Consensus.

I feel like I’m here but I’m not

I gain one but lose another

My mind can’t take it, but to them ‘I’m just being depressing.’

Well...

NEWS fucking flash

I’ve been depressed, 

Now, for a long ass time.

I’m finally beginning to own up to what I know

And my world crumbles,

I thought I could hack being a Godfather to your situation

But I can’t even hack myself, 

everything with a grain of salt I guess.

I wake up every morning saying I hope I don’t kill myself.

It’s the only words of affirmation that keeps me going,

I go to sleep every night thinking about how I survived my thoughts

I’ve given up on prayer, because a cycle of hurt is exactly that.

Hoping someone else will intervene, when at the end of the day,

The only person looking at you in the mirror is you.

My confidence doesn’t come from an arrogant place,

My confidence doesn’t come from fear of failure, 

My confidence comes from a place of fear.

I fear my own mind.

I fear my capabilities.

I give, and accept nothing in return,

Well that’s until I need to live.

That’s until my thoughts and my perspective

collides with that of the general consensus.

Where am I right now¿

My focus & my dreams are great but simple 

I want to live free

But how can that be possible when trapped in your own mind¿