The General Consensus.

I feel like I’m here but I’m not

I gain one but lose another

My mind can’t take it, but to them ‘I’m just being depressing.’

Well...

NEWS fucking flash

I’ve been depressed, 

Now, for a long ass time.

I’m finally beginning to own up to what I know

And my world crumbles,

I thought I could hack being a Godfather to your situation

But I can’t even hack myself, 

everything with a grain of salt I guess.

I wake up every morning saying I hope I don’t kill myself.

It’s the only words of affirmation that keeps me going,

I go to sleep every night thinking about how I survived my thoughts

I’ve given up on prayer, because a cycle of hurt is exactly that.

Hoping someone else will intervene, when at the end of the day,

The only person looking at you in the mirror is you.

My confidence doesn’t come from an arrogant place,

My confidence doesn’t come from fear of failure, 

My confidence comes from a place of fear.

I fear my own mind.

I fear my capabilities.

I give, and accept nothing in return,

Well that’s until I need to live.

That’s until my thoughts and my perspective

collides with that of the general consensus.

Where am I right now¿

My focus & my dreams are great but simple 

I want to live free

But how can that be possible when trapped in your own mind¿

The perception of the people you fear

The perception of the people you fear

you shed many tears

for acceptance

you hold many scenes for your 

present past thoughts to recognize 

their misplacement.

you fear the perceptions of the people

because the people are one,

but you, you are the anomaly 

you hold no apology for what makes you you

but the perception of the people you fear

“we are one”

is what they offer,

so broad in their direction

please add more to my perception

because i need to fear less,

say shit with with your chest

so i can understand

help me help you by telling you

not everything is simple.

you see happiness at the end of the tunnel

i see a struggle

I see people seeking meaning

in things they cannot see

too stubborn to look in the mirror

in fear of isolation

too stubborn to find answer

to questions they know answers too

is life meant to be a wonder?

because we spend more time

in a spiritual swimming pool

than we do in our own eyes…

What you leave behind 

is more important than what you’re searching for.

The perception of the people doesn’t matter

¿

What’s the point of being happy ¿

Coz the way i see it, people only want you for their own.

I can’t count the amount of times I’ve been called selfish,

when my motive has always been to help.

I can’t count the amount of times, people called me ignorant,

because my focus has shifted from aiding them to reaching out for what i want.

What i need…

Is to be able to look myself in the mirror and say 

I did everything I could to be the best version of me.

Everyone wants this ‘Happy, produce/play for everyone’ Chance…

Whilst I’m here struggling to get people used to saying Chancelvy

It’s like, 
only my talents mattered to you.

You didn’t want to know me,

what stressed me,

why I don’t speak;

you always had reason to tell me I’m wrong.

so what’s the point of being happy

If the decisions I make is only made for your satisfaction.

When 'accountability' is really a report of my endeavors.

How can I want more, when you pull so much out of me.

You lecture me into silence, then complain that i’m silent,

a non ending cycle, that has been eating way at my brain.

at this point it’s not an ear i want, it’s space.

I realize that no one will understand,

even if they tried.

Because patience is not common and i can’t fault anyone for that.

“Positivity & energy” became my two most annoying words, because of course people want to be positive and have good “energy” (Whatever the fuck that means), but people are selfish, even in their generosity.

People give to appease their own agenda,

Everyone want’s a trophy for going through hard times.

I chose to think of me 

& because of that

people tell me I isolate myself, 

people tell me I should go back to God,

Most of all, People tell me I’m wrong…

With no knowledge of who I am,

and how I came to be.

So fuck people.

I give up.

I’m done tryna make everyone happy,

I’m done tryna express myself through conversation.

I already know who’s willing to be there for me, 

so I don’t fear loneliness.

In terms of Spiritually, if you wanna believe all that, thats calm

But Just know that no one else has to.

You should never force your right or wrong opinion on anyone, 

especially if they’re trying to make art,

trying to be creative.

kmt, fuck people.

Suicide isn’t in my vocabulary,

but has been prevalent in my mind for as long as I can remember.

There is no cure…

We just have to deal and keep climbing this high ass mountain.

So If i have to reach the summit on my own, 

then so be it, 

I’d rather die early trying to be happy alone,

then live a whole life trying to please everyone.

If you’re reading this and can relate,

Just know that the only person who’ll understand you

the way YOU want

Isn’t your mum, dad,

your girl/boy,

your church/mosque,

no crystals,

witchcraft,

Not Buddha, Jesus,

no therapist, mentor,

no long time friend…

The only person who’ll understand you best

Is YOU.

Bridges.

Is it an excuse?

is it?

Am i to feel this forever?

Do i jump or keep walking¿

My senses wanting to finish the chapter,

But my music got me across the bridge…

…This time…

My guardian Angel had to progress

leaving me fending for myself in this miserable London weather

They had me covered,

until they didn't

& my soul was up for grabs.

I wish i could express how being used feels like in the mind of a depressed man

I wish i could express how rejection feels like in the mind of a depressed black man

I wish i could express how significant love is in the mind of an artist

‘Love yourself’

do you love yourself?

is it easy to do so for you?

I remember,

I remember small things, like…

how they all used to come to mine to record,

invite me to insane places,

tell me i mean the world,

then leave.

I remember crying for love,

in the presence of those to whom I wanted it most.

‘Be A Man’

‘Man up”

But maybe i just want to cry,

maybe I just want to cry

Maybe it’s my fault?

Blaming myself has become so common place,

maybe if i cry alone,

maybe if i fight alone

maybe if i speak alone,

Write with a mirror infant of me

unsure of who’s staring back.

There is no escape. 

Nothing and everything, seems all too real.

¿v

I

Years of depression

so i try and guard mine,

i hide fright,

i don’t fight,

i don’t try.

i just want to be understood.

i spent my life as a musical tool,

and quit literally…

church to church, in the background for 15years straight

you’d think i’d be used to people,

you’d think i’d know how to handle a disagreement….

I don’t want to give up on it but it’ssoo hard,

everything is black and white

all i do is hope for someone to understand,

my mind is broken,

my heart in pieces. 

my thoughts gone.

my faith evaporated.

But it’s raining now, it’s time to face what i ran from, 

it’s time to face these challenges.

Situation may not be unique, 

but for me it’s new every time.

i’d rather just make music,

i’d rather disappear and make music

i’d rather make music.

because these words won’t get me home.

this mind won’t get me love.

this mouth won’t be heard.

They say i always play the victim,

I didn’t want to believe that, because

the tears shed at night,

the idea that I’m ruining my own life

because my emotions can’t be controlled

runs clear

and does not stop until i feel love again.

an endless cycle of not being sure…

having to accept other truths just so i won’t be alone

is jarring.

i’d rather make music.

¿v

Shell.

I suppose I’m not that great at telling my feelings;

...Coz I don't believe in them.

don't believe in going with what my body tells me

Because going with what my body tells me 

Is running from full control.

Running away from love,

Not towards.

Slowly embracing fear,

The comfort of my own shell...

Each time having to patch up 

the ever growing abrasion

Caused by stabbings that i’m not prepared for.

My back hurts now.

I'm beginning to feel it now.

As each new entity enters, 

I sink deeper into my feelings

As I sink deeper into my feelings,

I become more aware of this pressure.

Only this time, 

I feel the point.

The tip of the sword grazing my lower back

...This shell is useless.

I can't see anything.

Not even myself...

I need to see.

Even though this mirror Is supposed to show me exactly what I am,

It's too dark to see.

I gotta leave this shell.

Or I'll die in it.

pick up my little plastic knife

And attempt to venture in the unknown.

Go out as a self perceived naked turtle...

...To fight.

It's time to fight.

I want to see who's controlling the sword 

that brought me to the edge of life.

I want to know who's controlling the sword 

that made me feel all these feelings 

when all I really wanted was one thing.

What do I have to loose...?

If my life is as valuable as my shell,

Then what do I have to loose?

I crawl out… 

I see millions of shells.

I turn and mine is intact.

They're all intact....

I can breathe. 

I can see my reflection.

I can hear music.

But there is still a haunting silence

as I try and shout into another shell. 

As I try and find another turtle 

who has abandoned it's shell.

I'm still alone...

What good is freedom when you only get to experience it alone?

But at least my back stopped hurting...

...right?

Love.

What do you want¿

Sometimes 

I wanna be whole again...

& Sometimes just speak...

Sometimes distance isn't the best thing

But what does it matter when love is out of the question. 

Perception of love clouding what should be... what should be?

When should it be...?

Morning after morning,

Life gives a history lesson.

Wake up alone and still feel your centre rhythm...

Every time I need you to speak, 

I remember where you stood…

Once there's no more love

How do you salvage it?

A step forward in life 

feels like a step away from you...

Whether that's a negative thing,

Only time will tell.

But I'm afraid that by then,

I'd have walked to far to turn back to you.

…

Sometimes wish I never met you 

Or that I was a scumbag when I did...

Seems to be the only way you can fall in love and not be hurt by rejection.

Love.